‘Attachment types’ — what we’re really trying to attach to

An experiential look at the first of the three object-relations affects

I wrote a previous post about this topic, and specifically the three affects of attachment, frustration, and rejection, called Frustrated when you get rejected trying to attach? And if you’ve read The Enneagram Way | experiential exploration; practical psycho-spirituality, you’ve seen that same description in the section on energetic signatures.

This is the first post of three (surprise 😉) about the affect groups in the Enneagram object relations, focusing on the internal experience of the affects themselves. But discussing the object relations, we first need to understand what the groups mean, and what they don’t. In some corners of the Enneagram world, there’s a lot of talk about the object relations and how types are ‘attachment types’, ‘frustration types’ or ‘rejection types’ and behaving accordingly. Most Enneagram teachers who teach beyond the very basic intro-evening stuff will teach these triads in connection with teaching about the types, as they are deeply rooted in our psyche and, as such, can tell us much about the type structures and what gives rise to many of their typical characteristics.

However, as with so many other aspects of this world, there’s not nearly as much talk about what these concepts and groups and terms actually mean — and how they speak of differences between these groups, and how they do not. Since I first wrote about this, Belinda Gore has released her book Finding Freedom, where she goes a good job of explaining these triads.

Human identity requires feedback. If, as an infant, I do something and no one is there to respond to me, there is no mental or emotional feedback. Without feedback, I don’t develop a sense of myself as a person having an identity. I can experience myself as a body, with skin and the ability to move and feel internal sensations — but I won’t have a sense f ‘who’. I can’t recognise ‘myself’ without other people (or the objects onto which I project personalities) and relationships with them.

~ Belinda Gore

But first, let’s look at some note-worthy points where the object relations themselves are concerned.

The three affects:
attachment, frustration, rejection

Our attachment patterns and relationships to the primary ‘objects’ in our world (our parents or whoever holds that function, and later the family or other larger units we fit into) are widely discussed in the area of psychology, so this is not unique to or invented specifically for the Enneagram types. However, the three affects mentioned in the Enneagram context originally come from the spiritual teacher Ali Hameed (a k a A H Almaas), who coined them to illustrate the different responses — or dominant affects — we might have to the matter of this kind of relating.

A note for those into developmental psychology: In attachment theory, there’s talk of secure, anxious-ambivalent, dis­orga­nised and avoidant attachment, respectively. This is not what Almaas is talking about. What we are discussing in the Enneagram context of object relations is how one of three dominant affects appear in our early relationships — and I can assure you all three offers equal possibility of screw-up — and goes on to constitute a central part of our personality structure.

So, just so we’re clear: ‘attachment types’ don’t walk around attaching nilly-willy, ‘frustration types’ aren’t more frustrated generally; ‘rejection types’ aren’t perpetually rejected, or rejecting. That’s not the point. Everyone goes through all three — but our ego-personality sports a certain sensitivity to one of these affects which has it stick out more in our experience. While the other two will be there for sure, our type’s particular affect tells us which step — because they do make kind of a three-step-stairway — that keeps tripping us up.

And for the primary types, this is the very first step: attachment itself.

The need in social animals to attach

So, attachment: the pull towards connecting with other human beings. In infancy and as babies, these other human beings are our immediate caretakers, but slowly, the circles grow and we start attaching to other individuals and groups — and even, in a manner of speaking, to things and systems of thought.

All these later attachments, however, tend to echo our childhood experiences. And in those experiences, there were basically three objects we could attach to: our mother (or whoever fulfilled the nurturing function), our father (or whoever fulfilled the protective function), and the greater unit, which might be our family, kindergarten group, neighbourhood, nationality or ethnicity, or whatever ‘bigger whole’ it might be. While all attachment types (and all types, regardless of which one of these triads they find themselves in) experience all three affects in relation to all three objects, each type of the triad specialises in one area.

The three ‘attachment types’:
Threes, Sixes, and Nines

So as adults, and in our continuous attachment efforts in life, this bias or ‘tilt’ towards one of these categories is still there, presenting that same snag (the area of affect) with regard to that same sort of situation (represented by the object), making us, in a way, hypersensitive to that same basic set of qualities in particular. At the very least, our type structure will be clearly oriented around it! Let’s look at the three types individually and what that looks like.

Type Three

As a Three, my attachment efforts are particularly geared towards what we called the nurturing function. This shows in the typical way I seek positive attention, tokens of appreciation, or that star-of-the-show position. Now, all Threes don’t present like that. Even as a Three, you might not see yourself as particularly other-directed, as in you wanting to impress others or seeking their praise. But you might notice that you still crave diplomas and certifications, or perhaps that you like to have ‘statement’ belongings, or otherwise mark yourself as esteemed, important, famous, or distinguished in some way. If so, you might ask yourself why this is. What would happen if you didn’t get those degrees, titles, connections, or whatever it is you’re seeking? Don’t rush it, and don’t judge what you find. Just start noticing how in this longing to make a mark or stand out somehow, your attachment to the nurturing function is hiding.

Type Six

As a Six, my attachment efforts are particularly geared towards what we called the protective function, which is to say, safety, security, guidance, and other literal or figurative ‘shelter’. This shows in the typical way I seek reassurance, clear guidelines, or that trusted-ally position. Now, all Sixes don’t present like that. or all the time. Particularly if you have a counter-phobic streak, you might not see yourself as particularly authority-oriented, as in you wanting to defer to others or seeking their protection. You might be overtly rebellious, invariably defying authority rather than falling in line. Still, though, you might notice that you crave certainty and predictability in other, more subtle ways (such as in the reputation this generates), or perhaps that you like to have ‘fail-safe’ systems in place — or otherwise mark yourself as prepared, vigilant, loyal, or dependable in some way. If so, you might ask yourself why this is. What would happen if you didn’t have those contingency plans, alliances, or whatever it is you’re seeking? Or, if that’s your style, what would happen if you didn’t resist authority, knee-jerk fashion? Don’t rush it, and don’t judge what you find. Just start noticing how in this longing to feel secure or stand by trusted others somehow — or, as the case may be, in the need to rebel against authorities — your attachment to the protective function is hiding.

Type Nine

As a Nine, my attachment efforts are particularly geared towards the family or ‘bigger unit’ function, which is to say, peace, unity, acceptance, and other literal or figurative comfort as part of the ‘herd’. This shows in the typical way I seek consensus, avoid conflict, or that famous ‘go-along-to-get-along’ position. Now, all Nines don’t present like that. If you’re a Nine, you might not always see yourself as particularly conflict-avoidant or merging with others. But you might notice that you still crave a sense of oneness or connection, or perhaps that you like to have ‘unifying’ experiences, or otherwise mark yourself as easy-going, adaptable, or inclusive in some way, even when this is not in your best interests in the moment. If so, you might ask yourself why this is. What would happen if you didn’t take it upon yourself to preserve that harmony, connection, or whatever it is you’re seeking? Don’t rush it, and don’t judge what you find. Just start noticing how in this longing to blend in, smooth over, or otherwise preserve or create peace, the attachment to the family function is hiding.

~ A taste of attachment ~

To get an experiential taste of what attachment is — how it’s expressed in your everyday life as well as how your need and responses around it make themselves knows viscerally and somatically — you might want to explore it in the way that I described in The Enneagram Way:

If you take a look at how you seem to be wired, are you aware of look­ing to at­tach, hoping for attachments to form, possibly imag­ining them in an­ti­ci­pa­tion? If you are not immediately aware of this happening, take a little inventory of your life and see what attachments are in fact there. We all have them — both existing attachments to people, groups, and even ideas, and those we would like to bring into existence. Take some time to find them. You might explore them by asking yourself these questions and looking to your direct experience to answer them. Be curious.

- What are the qualities of this ‘being on the lookout’?

- How does a really good experience of a successful and balanced at­tach­ment feel within you?

- Can you see how you might un­­consciously or semi-con­scious­ly be attempting to create at­tach­ments where this isn’t really a realistic op­tion?

- What kind of attachment is it that you’re then looking for? What usu­al­ly happens? And how does that feel?

While exploring all the pos­sible ang­les of these questions, try to perceive the en­er­getic charges that come with them.

- Does it happen that you go on an attachment bender, as it were?

- If you do, what sensations, moods, states, emotions, and patterns do that bring up?

- Where does your at­­tention go in these situations?

- What gets left out of your awareness?

And most of all, see if you can identify the quality, the ‘ energetic signature’ of seeking to attach. It’s a fundamental, human experience.

- Can you sense it playing out within you?

- When does it come up for you?

- And particularly if your core type is Three, Six, or Nine — can you sense how strongly the matter of at­tach­ment permeates your life?

As usual, we’re just looking and exploring. Don’t judge yourself one way or another, and don’t try to make any plans for change or improvement. Just give yourself credit for taking this opportunity to get to know yet another layer of yourself. And breathe.

I’m currently writing a book focused on inner work prompts for these areas of the psyche, which will offer several different suggestions for personal reflections on all three affect patterns with further suggestions for practical ways for each specific type to practice around this awareness in the professional arena, for you personal relationships and for when it comes to inner work and growth. The first in the line of ‘attachment’ reflection reads as follows:

Reflect on your need for external validation.
In what areas of your life do you seek it most, and why?

Below, paid subscribers see posted:

• Specific further reflection prompts relating to this area for Three, Six, and Nine respectively

• Three samples of concrete practice suggestions for each type (one each for the separate areas of professional, personal, and inner work) to help explore and ground inner work with regard to this specific reflection.

The paid, complete version of this whole post is available for
purchase as a PDF on The Enneagram Way.

And by the way — of course you might explore the prompts for any type and pattern, not just your own. Any such exploration, done with genuine curiosity and without value-judgements, will offer new paths into yourself and your inner dynamics.

Bumping up against challanges?

If you want to look deeper at these or other prompts or suggestions but do so together with someone, consider asking a friend or schedule individual sessions with a coach, facilitator, or therapist.

If you want to work with me,
you might schedule a session with me
or schedule a free chemistry call to explore your options.